科拉克斯堡

自述

你对我当然会有问题－你可能对所有的事情都有疑问。我解释给你听好了：当你死的时间跟我一样久的时候…没有手臂、腿或任何东西，你会用很多时间去思考，你懂吗？我想我名列死亡书上已经有好几百年的时间，但是时间的感觉和以前不一样…没有那些会朽坏的东西给你压力，似乎所有白天和夜晚都混杂在一起。所以你会想这个，想那个…而在过去一百多年里，我学到最重要的智慧就是：光是用你的眼睛和下巴，可以做出来的下流手势比一般人想像的多很多。你不需要用侮辱或嘲弄，只要把眼睛的移动方式和下巴的喀搭声做正确的组合，就可以让别人的肚子里一把火。把他们弄疯！如果你被砍头，头骨上的皮肤也被剥下来，我再让你看看我是怎么办到的。我有一些上好的宝石，老大－它们可以吸引圣人变成劫匪。
我知道你在想什么：我死了。我失去了很多东西。我失去的快乐，我失去的爱，应该会让我痛不欲生。有些人对死亡感到非常悲伤－当然，他们没有尝试过死亡－但是有一件事他们似乎永远不会了解，就是死亡会如何改变你对事物的看法；它真的会让你花一点时间来观察生命，扩大你的视野。对我来说，它让我了解这座冰山里有多少死掉的辣妹，而像我这种刻薄的男人数量之少－只要你做得对，那么数年来独自度过漫长夜晚的日子就可以结束！
肤浅？我才不肤浅。我只是不被那些从亚伯里亚到灰色荒野到处都有人在呱呱叫的哲学和信仰所困。谁在乎？诸界就是这个样子，你就是这个样子，如果它改变的话，很好，但是现在的样子也不错－而且我应该可以理解。继续，问我一些关于诸界的问题，或是咒文，或是人民，或是文化－等你跟我一样的时候－我是说，没有眼皮－你就会看到很多事情，而且我几乎可以告诉你想知道的所有事情。
这样说吧：我们一起待在这里，老大。在这件事结束之前，我会黏著你，就像你的腿一样。

Of course you got questions about me - you probably have questions about ALL sorts of things. Let me boil it down for you: when you've been as dead as long as I have... without arms, legs, or anything else, you spend a lot of time thinking, y'know? I figure it's been a few hundred years since I got penned in the dead book, but time doesn't really tally up the way it used to... without that mortality thing pressing down on you, all the days and nights kind of blend together. So you think about this, and you think about that... and the most important piece of wisdom I've learned over the past hundred or so years is this: There's a LOT more obscene gestures you can make with your eyes and your jaw than most people think. Without even resorting to insults or taunting, you can really light a bonfire under someone just with the right combination of eye movements and jaw clicking. Drives them barmy! If you ever get beheaded and your skin flayed from your skull, I'll show you how it's done. I got some real gems, chief - they'd drive a deva to murder, they would.
I know what you're thinking: I'm dead. I've lost so much. It should have sobered me up to all that joy I missed, all those loves I've lost. Some people get all depressed about death - they haven't TRIED it, of course - but one thing they never seem to realize is how it changes your perspective on things; it really makes you take a second look at life, broaden your horizons. For me, it's pretty much made me realize how many dead chits are in this berg and how few sharp-tongued men like myself there are to go around - you spin the wheel right, and your years of spending nights alone are over!
Shallow? I'm not shallow. I just don't get caught up in all that philosophy and faith and belief wash that every berk from Arborea to the Gray Waste rattle their jaws about. Who cares? The Planes are what they are, you're what you are, and if it changes, fine, but things aren't bad the way they are - and I should know. Go on, ask me some questions about the Planes, or the chant, or the people, or the cultures - when you end up like me - without eyelids, that is - you end up seeing a lot of things, and I can tell you almost everything you need to know.
It's like this: We're in this together, chief. Until this is over, I stick like your leg.